A Note From The Author:
I do not wish to offend anyone in this story. I respect all people's
beliefs and religions.
I am a new student in a catholic school, and I have only been in
public school until now. There are many strange and exciting
things for me in this culture, and at one point I had a thought,
“What would Jesus do if he came to a Catholic school?” And
that was the start of this unique and (hopefully) funny book.
I believe Jesus has a good sense of humor and likes jokes.
Thank you for reading.
-Anna Bananna
P.S.
Please email:
annabanannawriting@gmail.com
CHAPTER 1
I woke up in my bed, sown by the angels who were living right next door to
me. There was indeed a lot of space on my desk, usually, but as I checked it
today, I saw it was overflowing with prayers to me. I read the first one:
“Dear Jesus almighty,
Please help us through the day” -
Our Lady of Peace Catholic School
The second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth were from schools too. The seventh
was from a farmer who's crops were not growing well, but the rest of my
mail was from schools. “That's weird,” I thought. As I went to the living
room, my Dad was sitting on His chair, stroking His beard thoughtfully.
“Hi,” I said. “Oh, hello.” said my Father in the same tone He used when He
sent me to Earth. His cat, Thunder, hopped down from the bed to greet me.
“Listen, Jesus, I need you to do me a favor. Those Earth catholic schools, I
am not sure what they are teaching there.” My Father explained in that
careful, reassuring tone.
“OK.” I agreed, stroking Thunder, who was now on my lap. I wasn't really
focusing, thinking that Dad wanted me to send some bread there or
something.
“I need you to go to those schools for me, as a human again, and find out how
religion is being passed on through the generations.” Now, I was not
expecting this.
“Go there as a human boy, Jesus, (or girl if you prefer) and learn there as a
human. Now, go in disguise. We don't want the...” Dad quieted His voice, so
only I could hear. “We don't want the cross incident to repeat, do we?” I felt
the very same way.
“Now, what's the fashion this year?” Dad asked, scrolling on His I-phone-
Infinity. Beep-beep!
“All right,” He proudly said. He snapped His fingers and my robe
disappeared, being replaced by a Tie-Die T-shirt and ripped jeans.
I looked at Dad's smiling, confident face. “Ummm... May I just wear my
robe?” I asked, trying not to ruin Dad's mood. “No, your robe will give you
away. Besides, don't you like this outfit?” He asked hopefully.
I gave up trying to convince Him. I raised my hand and shifted myself into a
child with red hair and brown eyes. Only Dad and Mom would be able to
recognize me now, if I were lucky.
As I was going down the stairs, the perfect, still temperature of Heaven
began to fade away, being replaced by a cool breeze. I stepped onto the
ground, remembering how uneven it was, and I felt the grass against my
sneakers. I felt something warm on my face.
“Sunbeams... of course!” I thought. I stood there, enjoying the grass, breeze
and sun. We don't get grass or sun in Heaven, just clouds, clouds, clouds, and
a lot of harps.
CHAPTER 2
“I am Suzie, what's your name?” A human child's voice interrupted the calm
moment I was enjoying. I have long forgotten what humans sounded like.
Suddenly, I remembered why I was here, and the mission.
“Oh...uh... I'm J-... just enjoying the sun. My name is... Oliver,” I stammered.
Oliver was the first name in my head, being my cat's name. Oh, great. Now
let alone a room, I share a name with my cat as well.
“Well, Oliver, school begins in a minute, so we'd better get going!” smiled
Suzie. I suppose humans changed over time, 'cause I don't think that Suzie
would nail me to a cross and slowly kill me. Being a God does not take away
all your pain, when you become human.
I followed Suzie to the school. The school was a big building, full of
laughter. “So, are you new?” asked Suzie. “Umm... sort of,” I said.
BZZZUBZUB! The school bell rang and I, not sure what to do, followed
Suzie into the classroom.
“How strange,” I thought as I saw pictures of me everywhere. As I walked on
I saw a horrible sight. My baby picture was hung up in the middle of the
room!!! And you know what that means: Mom submitted my baby photos to
the public!
Doesn't She know that it is every man's worst nightmare to have their baby
pictures hung up in a school?! I tried my best not to cringe and continued
walking.
“So do you like our pictures of Christ being born?” a kid walking up to me
said. “AAAAAAGH!-bsolutely...” I tried to squirm out of myself screaming.
I sat down in a chair, ignoring the whole class mattering “What the...” under
their breath.
“Today we will start the day with religion.” A tall guy, who I assumed was a
teacher, said.
“My name is Mr. Parker, but you can call me Mr. P.”
Mr. P. turned to the board.
“Today we are looking at how God created the Earth in just 6 days. On the
first day He created the...”
I raised my hand before he could carry on.
“Yes?” Mr. P. said, looking a bit annoyed.
“What about how He created the Big Bang? He spent two weeks working on
that one.” I inquired.
“The Big Bang is just a science theory, boy, and you should know better than
to question the Bible.” Mr. P. responded.
“The Big Bang is not in the Bible?” I asked, very confused. “How could you
just forget about God's two weeks conjuring up the Big Bang? And, no, why
do you say it isn't real when God Himself shouted “Let 'er rip!” as the Big
Bang blew up?”
“Go to the Principal office! Right now!” bellowed Mr. P.
I got up, astonished of Mr. P's ignorance about the Big Bang.
“Oh, one more thing, your parents have to come tomorrow for a parent-
teacher conference.” I heard Mr. P. add. I have no idea what Dad's gonna do
about THAT.
When I went into the hallway, a woman with a tag that read “Principal is
your Pal!” stepped in front of me. “Well, isn't it Oliver, the new student?” she
asked, not looking like she wanted to punish me but smiling.
“I want you to talk to me about why you were sent down here. Did you make
fun of religion?”
I thought for a moment. “I did not make fun of religion, it's that they teach
religion differently at my old school. I graduated and got sent here by my
Dad.”
The “got sent here by my Dad” part was true.
“Okay, then, how about I offer you a favor?” the smiling principal said. “You
stay out of trouble, and I teach you to play Bass Guitar!”
That certainly sounded good to me. In Heaven, you either play the harp or
watch people play the harp.
“I would love to learn Bass Guitar!” I exclaimed.
“Okay, I'll tell your teacher about your old school, and you get Bass lessons.”
principal replied.
“Sure, Ms. Principal,” I agreed.
“You can call me Ms. Lily!” she called after me as I went back to class.
CHAPTER 3
I went back to class and heard kids chatting.
“Oliver, in PE we go to the pool! Aren't you excited?” Suzie screamed in my
face while jumping up and down.
“I certainly am,” I said.
“That's great!” shrieked Suzie. “Let's go!”
I went down the hallway with Suzie and we arrived at the pool. Honestly,
I've never been in a pool before. A lake, pond, bath, sea, tub – yes, but no
pool. Suzie grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the diving board.
“Um, Suzie, I've got a bad feeling about this...” I told her.
Something in my guts was screaming to run away. But the rest of me that
watched as Suzie dove into the water thought it looked very, very fun. As I
ran off the board, however, I realized what that bad feeling has been. But it
was too late.
When my feet touched the water I hit it like solid cement, standing on it like
in the sidewalk. Everyone looked over at me, standing on the three meter
deep water and looking like a weirdo. The teacher looked too, but then
turned away, rubbing his eyes.
I hurried over to the edge of the water, sheepishly waving to Suzie, who was
swimming nearby and watching as I jogged over the edge of the pool. Suzie
climbed onto the edge as well, dripping wet, looking in amazement as I was
absolutely dry. All the kids had turned away by now, except Suzie. “You are
so COOL!” she exclaimed. Then, a moment later: “But the water was so
deep! Can you teach me to do that, too?”
“I don't know. It just comes naturally. It is a fancy swimming stroke I do with
my toes,” I told Suzie. I could almost hear my Dad laughing at me.
After “swimming” I went back to the classroom, Suzie skipping besides me
like nothing happened. I sat down in my chair, trying not to look at my baby
pictures.
“Today we all have to write a Prayer to the Great God Jesus” said Mr. P.
I smiled.
“We will each write why Jesus is The Greatest and we will praise Him.”
As I got my paper I remembered that praising myself would not be humble,
which I am suppose to be. I chose the few words that described me and were
not praising me, and wrote my prayer.
Name: Oliver Date: Oct.29
I pray to the long-haired God Jesus, who is so mustached and smiles
above all humans with his perfectly white teeth.
He is the owner of a cat.
I think I did perfectly well, but guess what I got? A big, fat, actually-not-fat-
but-normal-size,
F+
Well, that stinks. At least it was a PLUS though. Ring-a-ling! As I was
mourning my F+, the recces bell rang. “WOO-HOO!” Suzie shouted as she
sprinted out the door.
I went outside, but a mean-looking kid stepped in front of me. “Hi there, fat
nose.” he sneered. “I hear you have got F today.”
“Well, yes. But honestly, I've heard better insults,” I responded. “Maybe next
time you could try to...” But I didn't get to finish my sentence because he
punched me in the cheek.
I have said in my last visit here as a human that when somebody punches you,
you turn the other cheek, the cheek that had not been punched. So that is
exactly what I did. When the bully hit my cheek (the other cheek), he was
very surprised, because my other cheek was so muscular, that it punched him
back.
“OOWEE-OOWEE-OOWEE!” screamed the bully, having been punched by
my extremely buff cheek.
“You see,” I said to the surprised crowd watching me. “This is a power of
peace at work.”
CHAPTER 4
After school was over, I needed to find a place to sleep. This was not hard
for me. I jumped up on a cloud, and it caught me, and, surprisingly, a cloud
makes a comfy bed. So I fell asleep, and when I used the cloud as a blanket, I
became invisible.
Unfortunately, all kids have a habit of jumping on the bed, but when I jumped
on the cloud it became upset and let me go.
As the cloud let me go, I plopped into a puddle and spent the rest of the night
sleeping on the ground, pleasantly dry and thankful that I can walk on water.
When I went back to school in the morning, Mr. P. told us that we will be
working on computers. As I got my computer I saw a rectangular button. I
pressed it. Nothing happened. Suzie was sitting nearby, and she told me how
to turn it on.
“Today we will be writing a 60-world essay poem about fractions.”
“Done!” I said.
“But I haven't finished talking yet!” said the teacher.
“My fingers type fast.” I said as I showed him my essay.
This is my essay:
Hello. Fractions are the same as division. The division sign ÷ is similar,
a more exact world is “same”, which consist of four letters. S, the
nineteenth letter of Alphabet, A, the first letter, M, the thirteenth, and E,
the fifth. Nobody knows who exactly invented the Alphabet except God,
who knows that the Alphabet was invented by Bobby Baritoneésh.
a 60-world essay by Oliver.
“Come here!” shouted Mr. P. He took my hand and dragged me to the office
with my essay. “There goes my Bass lesson,” I thought.
Mr. P. stormed into Ms. Lily's office.
“My student is making fun of God again!” he told Ms. Lily, handing over my
essay.
As Ms. Lily read my essay, she started smiling, and burst out laughing!
“I admire you showing Oliver's creativity to me. He is indeed an artistic
student! As you are here, would you each like a juice box?” Ms. Lily
complimented me.
“Umm... Yes?” me and Mr. P. said at the same time, shared a surprised
glance, and took our orange juice boxes.
“Thanks!” I thanked.
As I went back to class, I realized I liked computers very much. When I fed
thousands with five loaves of bread, I copied and pasted the bread. The
computer can do that as well! “They learn from the expert.” I thought.
“Now it's time for math.” said Mr. P. I looked at my worksheet.
If A=B, and B=F, and F=E, is A=E correct?
This is easy. I wrote:
No. Bobby Baritoneésh did not invent the Alphabet to make people
smudge A and E together.
CHAPTER 5
I finished the questions in no time, and soon it was the end of the day. As I
apologized to the cloud and sat on it, I heard a step, step, step. And then a
clock-click, clock-click. “Huh?” I said. I got down from the cloud and went
to investigate. My parents, Mary and God (Dad still refuses to tell me His
name, He tells me, "I Am Who I Am." ) were coming down the stairs!
“You think you can skip the parent-teacher conference?” Dad chuckled.
“Did you get good grades?” asked Mom. Mom worries about my grades
because my cousin John never learned how to multiply.
We went into the school. I was excited, but then Mom stopped at the baby
pictures of me. “So adorable!” said Mom, without a hint of shame.
Dad picked me up. “Who's our little boy?” he cooed.
“You'll... give... us... away, Dad.” I muttered. It sure is hard to talk when
someone is squeezing you. I finally understand what my cat feels like when
we hug him.
“Dad, remember, I am in disguise as a boy named Oliver,” I sputtered. Mom
and Dad laughed.
“Now we have two Olivers! One cat, one God!” said Mom.
Well. At last, when the conference came, we walked into the classroom.
Mom ran up to the teacher: “How are my son's grades? Is he eating well?
What about Math? Are you certain he is doing his best job?”
“Has he baffled all the kids yet?” my Dad joked.
“Well, I hate to break the news to you, but your son has been getting F's and
D's” said Mr. P.
“Gasp!” gasped Mom.
“Oh, well,” oh-well-ed Dad.
“What has he done? How can we fix it? Should he take private lessons on
math? Should he play games that encourage him to multiply? Oh, please,
please, tell me what I can do to get his grades back to A's and B's!!!” pleaded
Mom.
“I am sorry, Ma'am, but it's time for the next parent to...”
“Is he doing it because he is bored? Should he be allowed to run around
more? Please, just help me to get my little sugar-cube's grades back to A+!!!”
interrupted Mom.
Dad took Mom's hand and gave it a little tug. “I think it's time to go,” He
said.
“Is he drinking enough water? “Mom called as we left the room.
CHAPTER 6
When they left, I spotted a bunch of kids going somewhere. I ran up to them.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“Haven't you heard? We're going to the school dance!” they responded, going
to the school dance.
Curious, I followed them in. The sound of loud music met my ears. The
principal was playing the bass! I saw Suzie at the punch bowl. Maybe I could
make her a surprise?
As the guitar solo came and all the kids were busy dancing, I quickly turned
the punch into wine.
“This is a great idea. The time I did it before, everyone loved it!” I thought.
A couple of kids came over and sipped the punch-wine. Soon, everybody
was guzzling it!
The Principal, intrigued, shuffled in and tasted the wine.
“Ack!” she screamed, spitting it out at once. “Stop drinking, kids, this is
WINE!”
As she screamed, I remembered that wine is bad for kids. I looked around.
There was a kid sleeping on the ground, another trying to walk through a wall
and a kid trying to fly. I realized the horrible act I had done and hurriedly
turned all the wine into punch, including the wine in the drunk kids' stomachs.
“Hmm, I was so sure I tasted wine, but this is just regular punch.” Ms. Lily
said, a bit disappointingly, as the kids stopped trying to fly and walk through
walls and woke up.
I am very glad to say that the rest of the night went well. Ms. Lily gave me my
Bass lesson and I could now play The Unforgiven by Metallica!
CHAPTER 7
As I begged the cloud to let me lie down again, I remembered something very
important: tomorrow was Halloween, which meant NO SCHOOL!
I spent a restless night tossing and turning, trying to think of a good costume,
as the cloud threw me off.
OF COURSE!
I will be myself on Halloween! Not my Oliver self, my Jesus self!
I climbed back into the cloud promising not to wiggle, and found myself on
the ground a second later. At this point, I gave up and slept on the ground.
I could, of course, be Oliver for Halloween, but that seemed plain boring.
I woke up with several cramps that morning, as sleeping in a puddle, let me
re-phrase that, ON a puddle, is a bit rough on my body. But I still jumped up
and started running around and screaming: “ I am so exited!”
The cloud told me to calm down, but why should I listen to someone who
threw me onto a puddle? Oh, right, because I have to forgive those who hurt
me.
Oh, well. I threw on my costume and ran to the nearest house. “Ding-dong!” I
pressed on the doorbell.
“Well, hi there,” said the man who opened the door. “Here's a candy!”
The second he gave it to me, I ate it.
“Umm... Okay, put THIS candy in your bag, okay?”
I put the new candy in the bag, took it out and ate it.
“Thanks!” I said as I left.
I could see him face-palming his forehead as he closed the door.
As I walked to the next house, I saw two kids walking down the road. They
were both dressed as angels, but not having seen one before, their costumes
were completely inaccurate. Two eyes instead of ten, two wings instead of
seven, and long legs instead of tiny ones. The worst mistake of all, however,
was that they were wearing CLOTHES! Everyone knows angels are naked!
I tore my eyes away from their costume disaster and went to the next house.
The candy they offered me was really nice, so I multiplied it and gave it all
to charity except of one, which I multiplied again. However, charity wanted
soup, not candy, and sent my donation back.
That night, as I lay on the cloud, it occurred to me. I learned what I needed
about human schools. It was time for me to go, sadly, but I had one last thing
to do.
As I arrived the next morning to the school gates, I ran for Suzie.
“May you be blessed, as your kind actions have helped God.” I blessed her.
“Huh? Oliver, you okay?” she wondered. I hugged her and ran straight to
Heaven as I did so.
“Bye-bye,” I called down. Mr. P. saw this. “Get down at once, Oliver, that's
a falling hazard!” he shouted after me.
As I ran behind the clouds, I think Suzie caught a glimpse of my robe.
“Stop mimicking Jesus!” I heard Mr. P. faintly say as I entered the still
atmosphere of Heaven.
I took my buckets of candy and dumped them over the side of stairs, making
it rain candy.
“For you, Suzie!” I called, watching her catch a gumdrop in her mouth. I ran
up the rest of the stairs, thankful that I wasn't one of the good old people who
had to tackle these stairs. As Thunder and Oliver purred on my lap I was
able to feel the full satisfaction of being home.
That evening in Heaven, Dad asked me over a cup of tea, “What did you
learn?”
“I learned that those schools, let them do their thing. It's funnier that way. And
since you mentioned, I also learned to play the Bass!” I exclaimed.
So that night, we had a party, no Harps allowed! My Dad can totally rock the
drums, and Mom is a Pro Guitar player.
I got to admit, this time I am glad I visited the Earth.
